Betrayal and the Rollercoaster of Recovery

As a therapist, I can assure you, that there is no greater assault on a relationship than a betrayal. Of course, betrayal, comes in many forms but for the purposes of this blog, I’ll speak directly to affairs and the rollercoaster of recovery.

When an affair is uncovered, the offended will contract PTSD. What exactly does that mean? Here are the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts, ruminations, irritability, hostility, anxiety, depression, difficulty sleeping, homicidal and suicidal ideation, humiliation, and the list goes on. A nuclear explosion has been released in their system (body) and the aftershock is nothing short of devastating. It’s such an intimate betrayal that requires a tremendous amount of fortitude to overcome.

My clients ask me, “How can I ever recover?” They need hope just to get through the day. I’m glad we have an answer for them and one that I’ll share today. It’s a tedious process and needs strict adherence if the relationship is going to recover.

First, a complete confession must take place. How the relationship began, where they met, were they ever in our home, did they meet the kids, did you tell him/her you loved them along with a thousand other questions the offended will have. It’s important that all questions are answered with the exception of one. The confession stops at the bedroom door. To go into explicit sexual content will exacerbate PTSD. We are adults and we know what happens on the other side of a bedroom door. The offender must make a complete confession on the first go-round. If they trickle information out the betrayed is re-traumatized and will reach a point they won’t be able to believe anything. The question of “why” comes up and without fail the offender will say “I don’t know.” The reality is, that they wanted to. That’s the why. It’s important to get that question out of the way, so couples don’t further harm the relationship by a never-ending conversation about the “why.”

Second, behavior change, transparency, and verification are a must on the betrayer’s part. It shows commitment to the relationship and provides a stable ground for the betrayed to make it through seemingly endless days of anxiety and depression. The betrayer will submit to living a life of transparency to the point of verification.

Third, it’s important to answer the question, “why are you coming back to me?” When someone betrays their partner, they leave the relationship, so having that question answered is an essential part of recovery. Remember, it’s “why are you coming back to me?” That has nothing to do with the children.

Fourth, exacting a high price for future betrayal of any kind. This must be made clear and it has to be a high price.

Finally, we begin to look at the relationship and what was wrong with the infrastructure. This is what I term ‘relationship recovery,” which is radically different from “affair recovery,” which I briefly outlined. They must stay separated so there is no attempt at blame-shifting or creating an environment where the offended begin to feel like it was their fault. Remember, an affair is a choice your partner makes, and they must own it. The relationship might have been rocky, but many other choices could have been made to heal it.

Much more can be said about affairs and other forms of betrayal, but in the interest of brevity, I have kept this short and compact.

If your partner has had an affair, don’t try to rough it out on your own. A trauma has taken place and you need professional help.

Chris Cambas, LMFT, Certified Gottman Therapist & Trainer, Relationship Expert, Co-Founder of CoupleStrong
CEO of National Marriage Seminars & The Practice Startup.